my Prince of Peace.
I met my Prince of Peace almost a year ago. It was April 3, 2011. He rushed in and permeated all my thoughts. It was an incredible gush of pure whiteness, a cleansing from the the top of my head to the bottom of my toes. I don’t think I can fully even explain it. But he rescued me.
Earlier that day during breakfast, I had asked one of the brothers who prayed over me a few months ago how he got to hear God’s voice so clearly. He said, “I just don’t think of anything. And whatever God says I just say out loud.” And I was like “….how do you NOT think of ANYTHING??… I can’t not think.. I’m always thinking about something or worrying about something.. ” etc, etc, etc.
And then a few hours later, the praise team was leading the congregation into worship. While I was singing, I was still a bit self-conscious about how I looked and peered around everyone else around me. It had only been a few months since I stepped into New Philly Church and here I was at the church-wide retreat called “Encounter”. And man, did I encounter the power of God that weekend. I don’t know how many chains were broken off of me beginning that Friday night, but I remember weeping and weeping uncontrollably, having multiple people embrace me as snot and mucus vacated my nose, it was quite a precious moment now that I look back on it. I don’t think I’ve ever wept as much as I did in 2011 as I did my entire life. This retreat was only 1/289 of was to come, but this retreat is also where I met my Prince of Peace.
Like I stated earlier, I didn’t know how to actually not think. I always had things gnawing at the back of my mind. Paranoia, fear, self-condemnation, all these voices telling me these lies. That everyone was judging me, hating me, was out to get me, trying to find all my faults and weakness, trying to expose me… that I didn’t understand, that this didn’t make sense, that no one back home would understand me… Except I didn’t know these weren’t my own thoughts. I thought I was thinking all these things, but little did I know that the annoying thing called the devil was causing me to believe all these things about myself.
Anyway, as I stood there on my feet, looking at the lyrics on the screen and singing along with the music, I kept replaying what the guy who prayed for me said. I kept thinking, “How do I stop thinking? How do I think of nothing? God help me to clear my mind. I don’t want to think of anything. Is that even possible? I want to know what that feels like God.” I closed my eyes.
Then suddenly, it was as if crashes and waves of water were poured into my mind. Except it was some kind of glowing white liquid. All I could see was pure white. All I could think was pure white. I felt a cleansing, a washing of the thick muck that was stuck in all the deep crevices; all gone. It was a complete flood. It was gushing through from every part of my mind. So much that it permeated all things and I couldn’t even hear myself think. I stayed in that place of clarity and then it hit me. “This is peace. This is peace. This is peace. I’ve found peace. I’ve found peace. I’ve found peace.” That’s all I felt and heard. Except it didn’t exactly sound like that, but in my Spirit I just knew. This was everything that I’ve been looking for but all the wrong places. It was like a big slap in my face. But a gentle one. Actually it was more like an embrace. Full of love and compassion. It was my Prince of Peace saying, “Hey, I’m here now. This is who you’ve been searching for. This is real. See what I can offer? This isn’t fake. Come after me as I come after you.” I felt him lending out his hand.
As the song continued, I just broke down sobbing. I had never felt such complete peace and safety as I did in that moment. The lyrics on the screen read “Worthy is the Lamb” over and over and I broke. Because He was more than just Worthy. The next lines read:
Thank you for this love Lord
Thank you for the nail pierced hands
Washed me in Your cleansing flow
Now all I know
Your forgiveness and embrace
Worthy is the Lamb
This was the Prince of Peace I never knew. In his cleansing flow, I got a glimpse of his forgiveness, his embrace. I started getting flashbacks of when I searched for peace but failed. Where I ran from all my problems of immigration, all my stress, all my fears of losing my friends, my life. I saw myself taking hits from bongs in the NYU dorms and yearning for all the answers. Waking up the next day still in the same mess. I remembered certain male faces who I ran to for my idea of peace, but all I got was insecurity. And mock. And more false hope being shattered. And all my attempts of finding peace through weed and debauchery flooded my mind. It was a quick 7 second slideshow. Then I pieced it all together. All I knew was the Prince of Highs. These were all the counterfeits. All the falsies. The fakes. The not-satisfactory. The never-lasting. There was no glowing light at the end of the tunnel. There was no real sense of calmness. None of my problems went away at the end of the day. I had spent way too much time with the Prince of Highs, and now here on April 3, 2011, the Prince of Peace wanted me. And he had been wanting me. But it was the first time I recognized it.
With this one encounter, he invited me in. And said it was okay to trust him. And even though throughout the past year I’ve forgotten about him, not believed him, blamed him, allowed fear and anxiety and other voices get the best of me, I know there is a true Prince of Peace by my side. And he’ll never let me go. He is my Shalom, my Selah, my Messiah, my Jehovah Rapha, my Alpha, my Omega. He is my rock, my salvation, my foundation. His name is Jesus Christ. And I walk with him every day. He is my Prince of Peace.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” -John 14:27
