i’m a little bit of a perfectionist
when it comes to things i really like doing. likeeee let’s say photography. ever since i’ve gotten into this whole editing thing, it’s like a whole new world. and i want to make everything look perfect. except there’s way too many options to look perfect so i don’t know what to decide on, and then i get frustrated and move on to the next photo feeling like i didn’t put in the entire effort that i wanted to. and if i do put in all the effort into one photo, i realize there’s about 2785 photos left to look through and perfect. and i wanna of course make the subjects of my photos look flattering. and recreate the mood that the photo was taken in. but then again, there are so many options and presets to choose from. and each gives off a different flavor. but then i pick one that’s a bit more consistent to the theme of the album and move on. and then i get stuck. and then overwhelmed that there’s just too many!
i also like to tell stories through photos. so when there’s a “not-so-good” photo, i still want to use it because it creates a holistic tale. and i like being whole. and showing things in its entirety. or else it seems like there’s so many holes and missing pieces of the story. and that brings confusion. or people jump to conclusions. or all these assumptions are made. but i like seeing the bigger, holistic picture.
but i’m also learning as a photographer, you can’t choose every photo. ha. you gotta be strategic and think about your audience. “are they going to be intrigued enough to keep looking? or are too many of the same shots coming up?”
but then it’s like… i really like this picture and i wanna use it. and it holds a lot of meaning. and it’s only but a glimpse of what really happened.
and then there’s also writing. i love explaining and communicating and articulating thoughts and words. and i have all these things i want to say and all this great insight i want to pour out onto paper. but then once i’m in front of the computer screen i sit with a blank face. and all the great ideas i’ve already formulated and replayed over in my mind throughout the day turn to mush. and i feel like i can’t really start when i’m gonna say cus i’m not sure if i have an ending. and then i want to be able to publish a perfectly articulated piece of work with a lot of thought and effort into it. but then i get discouraged that i’m not ready enough to actually bring it into completion.
and same goes with music. i really do love music and i really do love drumming and i really do wish i were better at the keyboard and harmonizing and songwriting. and actually, i really want to write songs, but when i come up with something, i end up wanting it to be perfect and get caught up with the technicalities and then get discouraged and throw it out and never finish. i start another song, but don’t want to finish it because i know it’s not gonna be perfect. even with the drums, i play every week, and a part of me is soooo thankful and happy and joyful of my own growth and increase. haha a lot of it is straight from the anointing of the Holy Spirit, but regardless, i have this dissatisfaction that i haven’t completely mastered it all. and i don’t mind learning and improving but i guess when it comes to making music of my own or doing something creative, i become my biggest critic and don’t think it’s good enough.
blah!
but when there’s no pressure to perform, creativity flows and all my walls come down. at least with drumming that is. and with improv lyrics haha. it just comes naturally, but then when it’s all said and done i wish someone would’ve recorded it so we could replay it again and again and work from there! instead of starting all over again. sigh. anyway i’m just venting because i haven’t written in this for a while.
oh and i write a lot better at night.. i think it’s cus i don’t have time constraints so i’m allowed to just sit and type, delete, enter-space, and dot dot dot as much as i want. and then i realize that it’s 3:51 am and i should really be in bed. but by this time i’m working on so many different pieces that i don’t want to leave unfinished… aigo. anyway. just some thoughts of judy kim. and this post definitely isn’t perfect. but it’s honest, so it’s okay. haha
